Sam's articles
Death. As humans, we cannot avoid it, nor ignore it. About it, Woody Allen quipped: “I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
I’m Ira Glass. Today, in this op-ed: Truth, in three acts. I write an article about one true and devastating fact: If I stop enunciating, I’ll die.
Sources confirm that Noah Crowan ’18 only bonds with his professors by failing their classes.
“I want to connect with all my students,” said Professor of History Carla Clank. “Noah gets wonderfully close to me through sporadic emails begging for extensions on papers that he never ends up turning in.”
“Noah has a lot going on lately," said Professor of Modern Culture and Media Darnell Smith with a sigh.
Mumbling that this proves he can “take it,” local barfly Cassius Bronstein keeps lopping off his own fingers in front of onlookers to show how tough he is.
“Dare me," said Bronstein, hovering a switchblade over his hand. "Fuck it, I’ll dare myself.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
