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The Student Activities Office has released a statement that Brown’s student organizations do not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, or religion but are free and encouraged to discriminate based on whether you’re cool or not.
“At Brown, we celebrate diversity in all its forms and believe that inclusion in student clubs is a cornerstone of that mission,” said Joie Forte, Director of Student Activities, while determining funding based on a club leader’s Instagram followers. “But those protections do not cover dorks, weirdos, wimps, or other bottom-feeders of the social hierarchy.”
“Hi! Are you interested in joining the E-Sports club?” club member Morris Coolidge was seen asking a freshman at the spring activities fair. “We’re always looking for new members, especially from underrepresented groups! Well, except you. We don’t accept total losers like you.”
“If we feel that a potential member is not up to date with fashion trends or the latest campus gossip, we think we’re fully within our rights to deny that idiot membership,” said Coolidge as he patrolled the Ratty, noting which students were sitting alone and putting red X’s beside their names. “But besides that, the E-Sports team is a place for all.”
At press time, the Admissions Office determined that it would evaluate applicants fairly and without bias unless your video portfolio was ugly.
