Though David Haymer ’16 has a fervent desire to download and stream Internet pornography, the sophomore English concentrator just can’t figure out where to find it on the Web.

“I’ve heard a lot about Internet pornography, and I really want to check it out,” remarked Haymer. “But I just don’t even know where to start looking for it. It’s like it’s this secret thing that, for some reason, is totally impossible to find online. It’s actually really frustrating.”

Since adolescence, Haymer has spent countless hours browsing dozens and dozens of websites, only to come to the conclusion that Internet porn must be hidden somewhere deep in cyberspace where only a rarefied few may access it, perhaps using a complex algorithm or hacking into it via the source code.

“I mean, is there some secret word you search for in order to find it?” Haymer asked, opening Google for another round of exhaustive searching. “Because so far I’ve had no luck with ‘alive person looking good’ or ‘shown in excess from head to toe big time,’ which seem like the obvious search options to me.”

Despite trying and failing hundreds of times to find Internet pornography, Haymer has not lost all hope in his search for sexually explicit images and videos.

“Perhaps one day I’ll stumble upon it when I least expect to,” said an optimistic Haymer. “Until then, I guess I’ll just have to keep looking at porn the way I usually do. By breaking into people’s homes and watching them make love from behind a large cardboard cut-out of David Hyde Pierce.”

“What can I say?” he added. “The man puts people at ease!”

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