Explaining that he is grateful to explore Europe’s bars and clubs this semester, sources report that junior Greg Newsome is excited to spend his parents money on alcohol while studying film in Amsterdam. “When else am I going to have the opportunity to truly immerse myself in another culture and go out with so many people from a ton of different American colleges?” said Newsome, who has no interest in Dutch language, culture, history, or people. “This is one of only a handful of times when I’ll have a fully financed trip to Europe where I can party as much as I want. This is what being in college is about.” When reached for comment, Newsome was bragging to his friends about how much weed he would be able to buy in Amsterdam now that his parents gave him more money for his birthday.

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