Partly Cloudy, 64°
Following a rigorous high school career that involved taking 12 AP courses, junior Madeline Smith now concentrates in “Cum Poetics.”
“It has been incredibly rewarding, as both a scholar and a person, to explore the intersection between cum and poetics,” said Smith, who slept for five hours every night in high school so she would have good enough grades to get into this school. “At Brown, I analyze the conceptual paradigm known as seminal fluid through the multi-faceted lens of free verse dramatic poetry, focusing specifically on jizz enjambment and the semantics of spunk.”
After sacrificing her social life, physical health, and mental wellness throughout high school just so she could develop a competitive student profile that would impress the Brown admissions committee, Smith now spends her days writing and reading nonsense words about literal semen.
“Separately, cum and poetics are interesting educational pathways, but, together, they’re the key to engaging in complex contemporary society,” added Smith, leafing through a post-modern anthology on structuralist ejaculation. “I’m confident that studying cum poetics will not only enhance my understanding of both cum and poetics, but it will also enhance my understanding of life.”
At press time, a senior who was literally the president of eight extracurricular organizations at his high school now dedicates most of his time to his pirate-themed a cappella group.
