Sunday, May 19, 2024
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The Brown Noser

Student Uninterested In Spring Weekend Music Compensating By Mixing LSD With A Little Antifreeze

Published Friday, May 3rd, 2024

Sources from the Main Green on Spring Weekend report that student Thomas Withers is going to compensate for the boring music by mixing their LSD with a dash of antifreeze.

“Yves Tumor is such an exciting artist,” said Wither, squeezing a little blue AutoZone bottle onto tabs of LSD. “At first, I felt bad BCA blew it by halving the amount of days and still choosing nobodies. But now, I literally feel like I could scale the Sci-Li one-handed.”

“You know what? Those BCA guys don’t get enough credit for the stage design work they did coordinating all the little blue gremlin men dancing on stage,” continued Withers, muttering the rest of the sentence in an unintelligible, ancient dialect. “How did they make them vibrate to the rhythm like that?”

“And, man, you wouldn’t believe how cool it is when Jordan Ward hits the air horn,” said Withers, as his left eyeball developed a glowing blue tint and began to bulge out of the socket. “In 20 years, my kids will ask me who I saw on the Main Green, and I can tell them that I was one of the first people to see Jordan…Ward. Let that sink in.”

At press time, sources confirmed BCA was compensating for their budget woes by selling kids LSD and antifreeze.

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