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A recent report suggests that Conrad Houghton, an econ student who uses the word “summer” as a verb, is definitely gonna commit securities fraud.
“My family summers on Nantucket every year,” said Houghton, as he sipped imported Italian espresso from a Goldman Sachs mug. “It’s just so quaint and homey there, and it allows us to get away from the city. Plus our home is right on the water, so it allows easy access to our Sunseeker boat.”
Houghton, whose moral compass is similar to that of a kleptomaniac child, is frequently seen skipping the sandwich line in the Blue Room and was once banned from Starbucks for taking money out of the tip jar. He is going into investment banking because “there are no rules! It’s just free money!”
“I mean, I didn’t have a chance to summer there for too long this year because of my investment banking internship,” Houghton continued as dollar signs reflected in his eyes. “But I will get to winter at our place in Aspen.”
At press time, Houghton was found diligently taking notes while watching "The Wolf of Wall Street."
