Rhys's articles
Much to the chagrin of culinary masters and home chefs alike, sources report that the previously trusty nonstick pan isn’t.
“It sure would be nice if my nonstick pan actually was nonstick,” lamented a disgruntled Mick Mahoney, struggling to scrape residual scrambled eggs from his sticky nonstick pan.
Reports indicate that not even a Pulitzer Prize can save your English professor from grading your shitty discussion post. “There aren’t enough students in the class to warrant a TA,” said Tricia Stevens, English professor and winner of the Pulitzer Prize in literature.
Reports suggest that meeting your roommate’s parents this family weekend will explain why your roommate is so weird.
“I was really curious as to why my roommate is so odd,” said freshman Nick Tort. “He speaks in riddles, writes for the Indy, and only listens to Euro-techno-hyper-pop.
Sources report that senior Connor McCray would rather spend $100k on graduate school than look for a job after graduation.
“I’ve decided to pursue another few years of school after I graduate,” Connor said as he avoided the anxiety of updating his LinkedIn by agreeing to take on six figures of debt.
Sources report that Dylan Abbott, the most fashionable kid at his highschool, is just wearing clothing from the 18th century.
“He always looks so beautiful with those patterned vests and pants” said classmate Sarah Granks, while watching Abbott strut around in his silk stockings as though he were about to sign the Declaration of Independence.
A recent report suggests that Conrad Houghton, an econ student who uses the word “summer” as a verb, is definitely gonna commit securities fraud.
“My family summers on Nantucket every year,” said Houghton, as he sipped imported Italian espresso from a Goldman Sachs mug.
Sources close to Brown University have confirmed that the new construction starting right outside of your dorm serves no purpose other than to piss you off.
“We will begin construction early next month, and expect it to continue through the next calendar year,” wrote Res Life director Brenda Ice, snickering maliciously at the unnecessary inconvenience that this will cause you.
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