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After Justin Blake ’14 failed to attend the Brown Cancer Prevention Society’s five-mile walk to raise funds for cancer treatment, Club President John Erstine ’14 concluded that Blake must “really love cancer” and “really be rooting for it to prevail.”
“There was always something a little off about Justin,” said a former acquaintance. “He had these weird posters in his room that weren’t ‘Fight Club’ or Bob Marley related. I should have known right there that it was some kind of pro-cancer propaganda filth. He also had this huge, weird, glass test tube, sometimes it would bubble like he was boiling something in there, possibly in an effort to forge even more devious strains of the cancer virus.”
The acquaintance chose to remain anonymous for fear that Blake might use his cancer-voodoo powers to infect him.
Of the 349 students who responded to the event’s invitation in the affirmative, every single one attended except for Blake, who showed his true colors as a staunch cancer supporter. Tim and Stephanie Blake, Justin’s parents, were reportedly distraught at the news.
“This is absolutely not the person that we raised our son to be,” Mrs. Blake said. “I have absolutely no idea how this sympathy for cancer could have come back; we both assumed he had grown out of it. He used to read all about cancer’s prevail in these terrifying, pro-cancer manifesto medical journals. He did cancer research in high school, a kind of cancer fan-fiction. He took a girl to prom whose zodiac sign was a Cancer. But in his first two years of college he had mellowed."
“I guess some things are just inherent in a person’s personality,” added Mr. Blake. “He must really love cancer.”
At press time, a “Rally Against Justin Blake” event had been organized on Facebook, with over 5,000 attending.
