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The Brown Noser

Student Who Drank Coffee To Be Productive Now Just Shakily Online Shopping

Published Friday, December 6th, 2019

After drinking a large black coffee with the intent of being productive, Melanie Schwartz instead started online shopping while violently trembling.

“I’m not usually a big coffee drinker, but I have so much to get done today,” Schwartz said, scrolling through 14 pages of clearance sundresses on urbanoutfitters.com with a visible tremor. “I mean, two final essays AND a lab report? I don’t think I’m sleeping anytime soon!”

As Schwartz’s Free People shopping cart approached $400, her quivering fingers were struggling to even click “Sort price: low to high.”

“I should do my outline, but I just remembered that I really need more sweaters," Schwartz remarked, bouncing her leg rapidly. "I’ll have to order some eventually, so why not now?”

Sources report that a jittery Schwartz did make an effort to start her research paper, but she was immediately distracted by a highly targeted ad asking if she was still interested in “ankle length suede tassel booties size 7.5.”

At press time, Schwartz was congratulating herself on crossing off "place Amazon order” from her to-do list.

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