Partly Cloudy, 64°
An ardent and vocal practitioner of safe sex has had no practice in either safe sex or unsafe sex in almost 17 months. Sydney Martin ’12 instructs his friends to avoid sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies by always using contraception, or by simply bungling every opportunity for sexual encounter they get, like he does.
“It’s not as difficult to get someone pregnant as most guys think it is,” said Martin, who last risked impregnation in May 2010. “Using protection is the only surefire way to avoiding becoming a parent before you’re ready,” Martin concluded, neglecting to mention his usual brand of prophylactic: bad breath, a weird laugh and a smorgasbord of debilitating sexual anxieties.
Martin claims he never even considers having intercourse without using some sort of birth control, be it a pill, a NuvaRing or an unshakable air of loneliness and desperation that keeps women from ever considering him as a sexual partner. “I wouldn’t want to do something for one night that would throw off my sex life for the rest of college,” said Martin, apparently fearing that he might somehow destroy his laptop during the sex act.
Martin protects himself with a condom whenever he engages in sexual play, but since this almost never happens, he more commonly uses them to protect his hands when he has to retrieve a mistakenly discarded document from the garbage can.
Around his apartment, Martin’s views on the importance of practicing safe sex are well known. “My pals call me the Condom Crusader,” said Martin. “I’m not particularly fond of the nickname, but it has a bit of truth to it – when one of my housemates brings a new girl home, he can count on me to give them both my spiel about the dangers of unsafe sex.”
Martin is also known to his friends as King Cockblock.
“They know as well as I do that having sex unprotected is just stupid,” Martin continued. “It’s just not something smart people do. Especially when one of their housemates is downstairs trying to watch Spirited Away with some friends from the Quiz Bowl team. Come on Mark, that was both unsafe and uncool.”
For Martin, the risks of unprotected sex far outweigh its benefits. “Look, having sex is something we all do,” Martin lied. “I certainly have sex – trust me, I have sex all the time. Any of the people who lived on my hall freshman year could tell you that. I had a ton of sex back then and I still do. But if having sex means putting myself in harm’s way, I’ll pass."
