Jon's articles
Amnesic man David Kron of Los Angeles reported yesterday that his full-body tattoos of slimy green lizard scales have done absolutely nothing to help him reconstruct his memory and avenge his wife’s death.
“The tattoos look cool, huh?” asked Kron as he displayed the scales on his forearm, shaded to look as though they are shimmering.
In a letter published in Monday’s issue of Daily Variety, Rudy Fairfax announced that he has broken from the role of Daniel-Day Lewis, a character he portrayed without interruption since his entry into the film industry.
All man want is sex with woman. Man eat, man sleep, man drive in car, but what do man think of all the while? Do man think of anything but have sex with woman? No. Man monster.
“I love chicks,” say man Charlie Gombak, who only have room in brain for imagine ladies’ bodies.
Reports from Canyon Lake in New Braunfels, Texas indicate that yesterday afternoon, coward dog Rufus sat on a dock and barked for nearly half an hour at a dog named Charlie who was brave enough to enter the lake.
“Sitting pretty on the dock, but barking his little head off,” said owner of both dogs Melanie West, who despite her best efforts to raise two courageous dogs, ended up with one who shies away from even the slightest risk.
Life is complicated. Each day there’s a new challenge to overcome, and as we navigate through love, loss, success and hardship, there’s never a shortage of things that make us scratch our heads and say, “Huh?” But if there’s one issue that no longer confuses me, it is television remotes that control the flow of time.
Though he was appreciative of driver Louis Seta’s offer to drive him onward down Interstate 95 to any place above Savannah, Ga., hitchhiker Howard Ross had heard his one Taylor Swift song and just wanted to get dropped off now, thanks.
“Yep, ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ still sounds twice on good on the radio as it does in my head,” said Ross, after his 11th minute in Seta’s Honda Civic.
Providence homeowner and pharmacist Terry Grossman reported yesterday that he is now seriously unnerved by the persistent sound coming from the man chained to his radiator.
“It’d be okay if it were a constant hum,” said Grossman. “It’s that sporadic banging around and yelping that really spooks me.
In a paper published in this week’s issue of “Science,” Harvard University geneticist Dr. Robert Rothschild identified within the reams of uninterpretable data that constitute the human genome a basis for searching for reason and order in a universe where there is barely any at all.
Meeting Thursday afternoon to outline a character’s death in the forthcoming made-for-TV movie “Greener Pastures,” a group of ten 35-to-50-year-old Lifetime writers considered numerous cancers, but were determined to hold out until they found the very saddest one.
The latter half of New York Times bestselling memoir “Black, White and Free” deals almost exclusively with author Bernard Chaptin’s struggle to get the memoir published.
“I opened the door to yet another publisher’s office,” writes Chaptin, in a chapter titled “Simon & Schuster.” “They didn’t want it either.
Though you do not know the appearance of Alice Harper ’13, she promises that you will identify her easily when you arrive at the Cable Car Cinema and Cafe for your date tomorrow night, from the large quantities of animal blood that will be splattered across her blouse.
A meeting held to discuss the scholastic performance of Reservoir Avenue Elementary first-grader Kim White was derailed last night, when it became clear that neither teacher Eleanor Borninski nor parents Howard and Tessa Sullivan had any idea of the child’s name.
Now that we are all in costume, I need everyone to take his or her position in the conference room. You should stretch first if your part requires anything acrobatic. The PA system is set and ready to go, and Jerry is burning a CD with all our songs on it as we speak.
When doctors told retired civil engineer Clifford Dumont he had developed Arnfeldt tremor and ataxia syndrome (ATAS), a neurodegenerative disease first observed in 2005, he responded to the diagnosis the same way he had responded to the advent of cell phones, iPods, and the internet: “leave it to the kids,” he said.
Since early June, a slew of fires set by a yet-to-be-identified arsonist have left clouds of smoke hanging over the city of Pawtucket. But even these clouds have a silver lining: members of the Pawtucket Fire Department report that they have been having tons of fun sliding down the fire station’s pole.
Looking back on what should have been the best four years of his life, Leo Wiley ‘12 realized yesterday that he wasted all his time at college sitting around in a sperm whale’s cavernous stomach.
In a moment of clarity that came too late to be of use, Wiley became aware that he did not attend a single party while he was at Brown, ask a girl to a dance or even take a class.
Reports from the back row of a List Art Center lecture indicate that two middle school-aged kids whom nobody remembers ever seeing before are making out there. Early reports that the middle schoolers were the professor’s children were dismissed when the two started kissing.
Chaos struck Providence yesterday as longtime public menace Jaws of Death rampaged through downtown, striking fear into the hearts of citizens. This was Jaws’s first attack on the city since an accident last month left him paralyzed from the waist down, but the courageous super-villain insisted that he receive no special treatment.
On Tuesday, Darrel Shannon ’13.5 and Lindsay McKeon ’14 released an iPhone app targeted at rising entrepreneurs. Dubbed MoneyNet, the app promises to make entry into the business world a cinch — for Shannon and McKeon but no one else.
MoneyNet works by being sold on iTunes for $1, rocketing up the bestseller list and earning Shannon and McKeon lots of money and valuable credentials.
On Thursday afternoon, students in an upper-level Modern Culture and Media seminar unanimously praised Howard Bromst ’12 for his butt-borne critique of Ingmar Bergman’s “The Seventh Seal.” Transcribed in several academic journals and released as a sound file on iTunes U, Bromst’s fart has already attracted the attention of hundreds of film theory scholars worldwide.
Though they invested more than $1 billion in its development, United States military officials have yet to find a use for their gaydar.
In a broadcast aired on all major television stations this weekend, evil genius Dr. Isaac Napalm announced his intention to seize control globally and render all the planet’s inhabitants powerless before him, right after they lie down and take a rest for a while.
Recent reports from a psychic with a grumbling stomach predict that very soon you will encounter a piping-hot sweet potato.
You visited the psychic earlier today to discuss the fidelity of your significant other, but the conversation quickly turned to root vegetables such as potatoes, beets and yams.
Yesterday’s career fair was filled with ambitious Brown students working to secure themselves successful lives after college and a lone mother who spoke to a lot of very smart and very powerful people who may help her son out one day.
“My son is too humble for these sorts of things,” said Julia Mitchell, mother of Derrick Mitchell ’12.
Barrington nutritionist Anna Caswell died yesterday as a result of her decision to keep her work life separate from her personal life by not eating. She was 47.
Friends of Caswell say that she was always wary of devoting too much time to her career.
One thousand miles separate Deidre Rothschild ’15 from her boyfriend John Lu, who attends Northwestern University, but on Friday the two united spiritually through both the moon and the oral stimulation of their genitals that they received simultaneously under the night sky.
An ardent and vocal practitioner of safe sex has had no practice in either safe sex or unsafe sex in almost 17 months. Sydney Martin ’12 instructs his friends to avoid sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancies by always using contraception, or by simply bungling every opportunity for sexual encounter they get, like he does.
The curmudgeonly behavior of local alcoholic Ray Johnston indicates that he probably woke up on the wrong side of the street, or with a bottle up his ass, or simply saddened by the terrible turn that his life has taken as a result of his addiction.
Providence residents, passing by a visibly unhappy Johnston on Waterman Street this morning, agreed upon the humor inherent in the idea that the longtime vagrant’s bad mood had resulted from falling asleep on a side of the road that was somehow inferior to the other side.
Brown students know that the start of September signals the last few weeks of beautiful, warm weather. But hikers and beach bums take heed: Providence ophthalmologist Dr. David McCondry says that if we spend all month enjoying the great outdoors, we run the risk of getting too much of a good thing. Excessive exposure to sunlight may transform our fun times into terrible ones, McCondry suggests, by transforming our eyes into suns.
Keeney resident Brian Olsen ’15 unknowingly blew his chances at enjoying his first year away from home when he threw away his roommate’s garbage.
The front man of Columbus, Ohio’s most popular Maroon 5 cover band, Daniel Martin ’14, is wondering if his ongoing jam session on the Main Green would be better sans shirt.
“I’m not trying to show off, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Martin told reporters at noon today.
Creases in the cotton shirt stretched across the back of teaching assistant Henry Jervis quickly became soaked with sweat Tuesday, when the 29-year-old doctoral candidate noticed a glaring grammatical error on a PowerPoint slide he had prepared for Professor of American Civilization Jacqueline Herney's afternoon class.
A lab rat caged in a research laboratory at Sydney Frank Hall possesses a dysfunctional allele that renders him blind, afflicts him with oozing sores on his neck and hindquarters and makes him vomit blood every time he smiles. Last night, the rodent prayed that his disease would sustain the interest of biologist Gary Fenton and delay the inevitable moment when he will expire along with his scientific utility.
English Professor Christopher Robinson apologized yesterday for the awkward misspelling of "office hours" as "orifice hours" in last week's email to his introductory literary theory course. Robinson blamed his typographical error on his office's many distractions, which he listed as a soft red couch, two Marvin Gaye greatest hits CDs, and a thick, relatively soundproof door that locks from the inside.
Taking its cue from the formulaic garbage that talentless dopes will one day produce within its walls, the Jane and John Whogivesashit Center for the Uncreative Arts is slated to look just like any other building.
Unlike some of the nut jobs that Brown welcomes onto campus, the only issues that not-even-remotely crazy freshman Lillian Janning '14 has are with the eight mentally deranged roommates she has been assigned since she arrived here in early September.
Nearly two decades ago, revered Professor of Neuroscience Dr. Ethan Martin set out to test the classic mathematical postulate that an infinite number of monkeys tapping randomly on keyboards would eventually reproduce all of history's most treasured literary works.
Hungry Brunonians seeking late-night eats this week have reported observing undeniable signs that famously well-behaved campus convenience store Little Jo's has entered a stage of violent teenage rebellion against his father, campus eatery Josiah's.
"Everyone knew that Little Jo felt suffocated by his dad, but he never said a word about it," said Todd Goldberg '10, longtime friend of the once shy and non-confrontational snack shop, "He was terrified of Josiah - who wouldn't be? I have trouble dealing with the fact that my dad can beat me at arm wrestling. his dad is forty times his size!"
"The guy was incredibly jealous, too," Goldberg added.
In an unfortunate case of mistaken identity, Brown student Daniel Newman '11 now faces multiple sexual harassment lawsuits after propositioning Safewalkers for sexual favors. Newman said the confusion arose over contrasting interpretations of the term "escort service" and that he believed Safewalkers Carrie Regan '10 and Nicole Smith '09 to be University-sponsored prostitutes.
Friday night began like any other for Zachary Donnelly, Brown junior and "mad playa." At 9:30 pm, Donnelly left his room for a night of wholesome fun in the friendly, inviting atmosphere of a Phi Kappa Psi fraternity party. One hour and several drinks later, Donnelly was at the top of his game and ready to unleash his devastating, irresistible masculine charm on the room's female occupants.
Nearly a dozen students gathered on the Main Green yesterday to protest the widespread use of geologic epithets by Brown students. The protest was sponsored by Brown Students for Geologic Equality, a student organization which describes itself as "Brown's only rock advocacy group.
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