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Fred Hendricks '12 left his friends thoroughly impressed after describing to them the "unreal" internship he had secured in Providence for the summer months.
He wove a tale of intrigue, scientific investigation, and discovery in an accredited laboratory. However, in reality, Hendricks' tale was much more plush-based, as his only summer employment was a low-level position at the Providence Place Mall Build-a-Bear Workshop outlet.
"Yeah, I mean.whatever," said Hendricks when pressed for comment. "I didn't really lie about anything to anyone. I just said I was going to be dissecting animals, tinkering around with their insides, and also experimenting on children. I just didn't say that the animals were fake and that the experiments were primarily to determine 'how much fluff is too much.'"
"Yo, dumbass!" called a voice from behind the counter. "Clean up at the eyeball station!"
"That's my supervisor, Frank," Hendricks said. "He's kind of a dick."
"Did I think he was working at a real lab? Yeah, I did. Because he told me he was working at a lab," said Hendricks' classmate Emily Borowitz '11. "Why would he make that up? Just tell me you got a shitty job. Everyone gets shitty jobs all the time. I've been working as a janitor at a theme park, but I don't go around telling people I'm Walt Disney."
"One time, in early July, we were all hanging out on my porch," said Phil Rose '12, Hendricks' fellow summer subletter. "Then he acted like he got a page, grunted, and said, 'Man, doctor stuff, right?' in an annoyed manner. He said
he had to 'run off' and do some 'last-minute filing.' Then, when he got back and I asked him what he had just done, he said, 'You know. The daily grind. Pig hearts. X-Rays. Penicillin.' Yeah, at that point I was pretty sure he wasn't working in a lab. Also, who still owns a pager?"
"Look," Hendricks said angrily. "Whether I work in a lab or a store for four-year-olds, it doesn't matter. It's still a real job, with real responsibilities. When your boss asks you to close up shop for him a few minutes early because his mom's picking him up on her way to the supermarket, you do it. You don't think twice."
"I just thank God every day for this opportunity," he continued. "I say, 'God? Thank you so much for blessing me with the chance to see children smile. Thank you for allowing me to record voice messages for bears with their hands stuffed into a jar of honey. And thank you for letting me feel up Rhonda, the 39-year-old single mother who stocks the shelves at the Foot Locker on the second floor.' And I think God appreciates my gratitude."
"Hendricks?" said Frank Martin, Build-A-Bear supervisor. "Yeah, I'm gonna fire that guy. He's terrible. I mean, asking me if he's getting college credit for this? He's lucky he gets minimum wage. You know who doesn't need college credit? A homeless guy. I think I'm just going to hire a homeless guy."
