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A report released on Friday revealed that students using the Department of Public Safety’s SafeWalk program have filed a record number of complaints this semester against pedantic Safewalker Jonathan Blake ’15, who has been asking frustrating trivia questions that are basically impossible to answer.
According to a recent complaint filed by two students who asked to remain anonymous, the majority of Blake’s trivia questions concerned esoteric subjects like phallic symbols in Henry James novels, Roderick Hudson, Spanish Property Law and 19th century Russian productions of “Hamlet.”
“He had a lot to say about Peter Westergaard’s construction of diatonic collections,” said James Candy ’13. “He was super enthusiastic, but man was he pretentious. I just wanted a safe walk home without having to answer questions about feminist symbolism in the plays of Henrik Ibsen.”
One report stated that Blake had more than once baited students by initially asking seemingly benign pop culture questions before delving into three- and four-part questions about the obscure fields of abstract numerology and diffident philosopher-kings throughout ancient history.
“He asked me about the distinct aspects in Schopenhauer’s ‘On the Fourfold Root of the Principle of Sufficient Reason,’” said Rory Walsh ‘15. “When I said I wasn’t even sure who Schopenhauer is, he basically just lectured me on the guy’s stance on epistemological relativism.”
“Smart guy,” she added. “But it drove me up a fucking wall.”
At press time, a group of visibly exasperated students could be seen running into a dark alleyway just to avoid having to answer another one of Blake’s bullshit questions.
