Sources report that a record number of students have started locking their bikes to copies of the Brown Daily Herald so nobody will ever, ever steal them. “While two dozen bikes were stolen last week,” reported DPS officer Max Grisham, “Absolutely no one wanted the bikes locked to the BDH. I guess no one wants the bike if that means they also have to take a BDH.” At press time, police officers were seen using little strips of the BDH to section off a crime scene since they knew absolutely no one would go near the BDH.

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