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A recent study conducted by Masterpiece Theatre found that 85% of charming British seaside towns are also hotbeds of grisly murder.
“Our researchers have concluded that the presence of a run-down lighthouse by the shore and a quaint main street drastically increases the chances of a gory murder happening nearby,” said lead data analyst at Masterpiece Theater Richard Winterbottom, solemnly relaying his sobering findings. “After a thorough examination of countless case studies, it is apparent that the murders each take about three to five episodes of a miniseries to be solved.”
“Furthermore, the murders are likely to occur in an environment full of quirky yet endearing town residents,” said Winterbottom, adding that the residents often rally behind the devastated family of the victim in a heartwarming manner. “The probability is high that much discussion of the murder will take place at the local pub over mugs of ale.”
“Unfortunately, the hardened, big-city detective assigned to the case will almost inevitably fail to understand the customs of these close-knit, coastal cultures,” added Winterbottom, noting that an overwhelming percentage of these detectives have posh accents and wear lots of black. “However, the chances of the case being solved increase if the detective has a tendency to pensively stare out at the churning, menacing ocean.”
At press time, the same research group was discovering that 92% of gentlemen of the house are conducting sordid affairs with their low-born, ruddy-cheeked serving girls.
