Wednesday, October 16, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Study Finds Everything Bagels Actually Only Contain a Few Things

Published Friday, April 19th, 2019

The Food and Drug Administration released a report Wednesday summarizing their findings that everything bagels in fact only contain a few things.

“Contrary to popular belief, so-called ‘everything’ bagels are not actually made of everything,” spokeswoman Julie Chen explained in a press conference. She detailed the FDA’s extensive investigation into the nature of the bagels, which were found to consist of only water, flour, yeast, sugar, salt, vegetable oil, and 4 seeds and spices.

“There are numerous things these bagels do not contain,” Chen continued. “Such things include cinnamon, aluminum, sand, Atlantic cod, buttons, Italian leather – the list goes on and on. In fact, there are many more things not found in everything bagels than there are things found in them.”

At press time, the FDA mandated that bagel makers everywhere put some more stuff into their everything bagels.

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