Friday, November 15, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Study Finds Tattered, Coarsened Sea Captains Most Likely to Monologue About Ocean as “Cruel Mistress”

Published Friday, October 25th, 2019

According to a multi-year survey of weather-beaten wharfs all ’round the high seas, coarsened sea captains’ likelihood of delivering gruff soliloquies about the heartlessness of the ocean is remarkably high.

“Typically, one can expect the long-bearded men of the sea to have a negative view of such bodies of water,” explained Dr. Johann Heller, a scientist and sea shanty specialist with decades of experience. “Your average seafarer will invoke the wrath of the ocean at least four times within any given conversation, and there is an 88% chance that he will liken the drink to a brutish, heartbreaking wench.”

“My worldview has definitely shifted as a result of this study,” said student researcher Billy Owens. “If I’ve learned anything, it’s that all ye who dare court the villainous temptress that resides ’neath the depths best beware! Thar lies a merciless she-devil who takes pity on no man.”

Dr. Heller is in the process of raising funding for his next study, which will determine what share of brooding sea captains harbor lifelong obsessions with exacting revenge on cold-blooded creatures of the deep who maimed them years ago.

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