Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Study Proves Human Advancement Not Linear After Finding That Your Parents Were Once Hotter Than You

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021

According to a recent study, researchers concluded that human history does not follow a linear path of advancement since your parents were once hotter than you are now.

“For as long as Sociology and Anthropology have existed as fields of study it was thought that humanity was always incrementally improving,” said head researcher Dr. Susan Ardez. “But that all went out the window once we saw your mom in that sundress. I mean, hubba hubba!”

“Long-standing scientific consensuses like these are incredibly hard to shift, but through our demonstration that your dad was a meaty slab of rare roast beef, our findings are already having an impact,” continued Ardez, holding up a heavily annotated headshot of your father. “Given that you currently don’t hold a candle to the smokin’ good looks your parents once had, we as a species are clearly headed in the wrong direction.”

“Awooooooga!” added research assistant Teddy Hefferglick, his tongue hanging out of his mouth and eyeballs bulging cartoonishly out of their sockets. "Did it just get hot in here?! Those two were total smokeshows!”

The researchers found additional support for their conclusion in the fact that you’re way less funny than your older siblings.

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