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A study recently released in the journal Sociology Quarterly revealed that approximately 86% of all friendships formed between freshmen are founded on shared hatred of, condescension toward, or disdain for some style, celebrity, or other prominent aspect of American culture. Additionally, concluded the study, if you're a member of the 14% who actually made a friend based on a positive shared idea, you must be that weirdo from down the hall who's in Juggling Club.
Professor of Sociology Heidi Montaigne confirmed that in light of the recent study, "even what you thought was a perfectly healthy and productive interaction during orientation was probably in some way related to your (likely feigned) hatred of Nickelback, Twilight, or even that prick Glenn Beck." That friend of a friend you met the second week of classes at the Ratty and turned out to really click with? Good thing you're living together next year, says the study, so you have plenty of time to reflect on how your first conversation consisted of complaining about Wal-Mart and cracking jokes about Pauly Shore's dismal performance in "Biodome."
"But those jokes were hilarious! We're both just socially conscious and have a sense of humor!" you respond. "Then why didn't you discuss your opinions on health care reform and the comedic stylings of Sinbad?" said Dr. Ivan Sudholt, a co-author of the study. Continued Sudholt, leaning over to whisper in new co-worker Dr. Raymond Weintraub's ear, "Don't you just hate that sort of hypocrisy?" Soon thereafter, Sudholt and Weintraub exchanged emails and made tentative plans to get sushi sometime.
The study has gained significant recognition in academic circles outside the sociology world, with several prominent biologists collaborating on a study that they hypothesize will show an increase in brain activity while college freshmen agree upon a negative idea, thus further confirming that you're a cynical shitbag incapable of seeking out those with whom you share interests without raining on others' parades. Richard Watkins, professor of philosophy at Rutgers, is reportedly working on a paper that, in light of the study, proves once and for all that you should just give up now and live alone in a cabin in the woods.
The study also concluded that if you want to hang out some time, we could get lunch after class. Just not at Johnny Rockets - I hate that place. You do too? It's so tacky, right? Here, let me get your number.
