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The Brown Noser

Study Shows Concertgoers Show Up Just As High To The Charity Ones

Published Friday, March 17th, 2017

A study commissioned by the Drug Enforcement Administration revealed that the average concert attendee will show up just as balls-to-the-wall lit to a not-for-profit benefit concert as they would to a regular for-profit music festival or stadium show.

“These findings are quite shocking,” DEA spokesperson Marianne Lander stated. “We began by taking polls of Strokes fans at the 2016 Governor’s Ball music festival and then repeating the questionnaire when The Strokes played a concert benefiting victims of leukemia in December. The concertgoers were high as shit for both events.”

The study confirms a hypothesis posited by DEA officials that regardless of the purpose of the musical event, attendees will still show up blitzed out of their minds. The years-long study points specifically to a benefit concert held for those affected by the Haiti earthquake disaster, where no less than sixty people were hospitalized for symptoms related to alcohol poisoning and over-ingesting drugs. The study went on to state that despite the somber nature of the event, these concertgoers lost their chill and surpassed their limits, totally bumming out their friends’ vibes and ruining the night for everyone they arrived with. Other attendees reported levels of intoxication ranging from a “pretty sweet buzz” to “toasted as all hell” to “fuckin [sic] wasted, bro.”

The study concluded that the only noticeable difference between the experiences was a slightly alleviated hangover the next morning due to the feeling of having done something good for other people.

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