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The Brown Noser

Study Shows One-Night-Stands More Fulfilling If You Fall In Love, Get Married, Conceive Children Within That Night

Published Friday, December 4th, 2015

A new study from the University of Illinois indicates that the loneliness and depression resulting from a one night stand can be avoided if you fall in love, get married, and produce children within that night.

“There is a lot of evidence out there to suggest that if a pair of sloppy drunken revelers can kindle a love, exchange marriage vows, and produce multiple children, all in one night, that will mitigate the sense of regret that comes with brief sexual encounters,” says Maria Drudger, the lead researcher. “The isolation of hookup culture can be combated, but only if young people start seeing the time when they hook up as a chance to also get married, make three or four babies, and nurse those babies in a mutual and caring way.”

Couples who had the most success avoiding the isolating and impersonal feeling of a one night stand managed to have children and raise them to a high school age within the night. “Sure, its still a one-night-stand” says John, a student and participant in the study, “but when I left her dorm room the next morning, I had made all these memories with my wife and kids,” he said with a smile. “We moved to St. Louis and bought a house. I’ll never regret that night."

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