Samuel's articles
Eyewitnesses reported Tuesday that Marcus Tannanbaum was forced to return yet again to his back yard to shoo away neighbors Scott and Laura Daveson, who had been sticking their fingers in the holes of the bird feeder to eat the seeds stored there.
“Goddammit!” Tannanbaum was heard yelling.
Econ 101 Professor Mark Ackers keeps referring to that “sweet, sweet money” when explaining the fundamental principles of macroeconomics.
“As demand increases, the price of goods and services increases as well, requiring more money. That’s right, MONEY!” Ackers said in front of the packed lecture hall on Thursday.
After masterfully navigating through the first ‘7 Steps Of Seduction’ laid out by Vanity Fair Magazine, including “show her a you’re patient,” and “do something daring,” Jake Pewitt froze up mid party with Katie Shaffer on Friday as he tried to remember step number 8.
A recent report released by The Massachusetts Institute of Technology on Wednesday says that if you type in HG7—39AN002 you can start level 3 with the Shogun’s Kimono. The findings show that it’s pretty awesome because it adds +5 charisma to your character and may bump them to a new creature class if you are close to leveling up.
After slamming back a few beers with her nineteen-old friend Lukas, Brown University President Christina Paxson drove to Sting Ray Tattoo Parlor and got the Chinese symbol for unity tattooed on her bicep. “Unity is important to me,” said Paxson before bumming one of Lukas’ cigarettes.
A new study from the University of Illinois indicates that the loneliness and depression resulting from a one night stand can be avoided if you fall in love, get married, and produce children within that night.
“There is a lot of evidence out there to suggest that if a pair of sloppy drunken revelers can kindle a love, exchange marriage vows, and produce multiple children, all in one night, that will mitigate the sense of regret that comes with brief sexual encounters,” says Maria Drudger, the lead researcher.
Reports confirmed on Tuesday that Mike Ottenberg, captain of the Brown crew team, was eating chicken in the dining hall like a lusty king. “More meat!” yelled Ottenberg as he slapped the backs of his fellow crewmates, who answered with brotherly guffaws.
Reports confirmed Wednesday that everyone featured in a free pamphlet on sexually transmitted infections appeared to be very good-looking. Chelsea Snippet, who was reading the pamphlet during freshman orientation, says she was surprised by the above-average appearance of the infected humans pictured.
After weeks of fumbling by European countries to properly handle the stream of Syrian refugees crossing their borders, the United Nations finally came to a solution on Thursday by granting the victims of Syrian civil strife the settlement rights to a wide swath of land stretching from Jerusalem to the Mediterranean Sea.
After graduating from a New England prep school, Emily Katzwell was relieved to discover everyone at Brown, the elite private college she joined, was just like her.
“I was nervous about all the big changes college would bring. So I was really happy when I realized Brown is pretty much just like the school I left.
This past weekend eight students got together to form a white comedy group. The group, self-named “The Sketchersons” and comprised entirely of white students, reportedly covers a wide variety of forms.
“We do a little everything,” said Jared Nelson, a white senior and founding member of the all-white comedy group.
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