Sources report that the Class of 2025 has stupidly not realized that they’re supposed to dress like their grandparents yet. Brown’s upperclassmen are eagerly waiting for them to figure it out.
“I guess these stupid kids haven’t figured out how to dress yet because they haven’t had a chance to lay eyes on us upperclassmen who are a little more experienced and in-the-know,” theorized Callum Cowcomb ‘23, who was wearing a short-sleeve button-down that was baggy, musty, and deliciously beige. “They should be wearing huge sweaters that mix colors that shouldn’t be mixed and formless dresses that go down to their ankles, not Nike Elites and yoga pants. Stupid!”
“There’s something about being two years older that allows me to know and understand that these freshmen should be wearing huge wire-rimmed glasses seemingly snatched from the face of Urkel himself,” added Cowcomb in his old work pants and decrepit leather dress shoes. “If you haven’t distracted your senile grandma with hot soup and I Love Lucy so you can sneak into her closet and steal her old-timey brassiere, I don’t know if you’re really a Brown student. At least not a cool one.”
At press time, a stupid member of the Class of 2025 was wearing cargo shorts that were something grandparents would wear but, like, not in the cool way that you’re supposed to do it.