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Central Intelligence Agency super spy Jules Boltzmann spends most of his time romancing women, turning away from explosions, and disabling bombs at the last possible second. The 15-year secret agent, whose story not only resembles an action thriller but also will undoubtedly someday be made into one, recently expressed the desire that his life could be more like another genre of movie, such as a superhero flick or a courtroom drama.
“I just don’t feel like I’m where I want to be in life. Maybe I’m meant to be an incompetent but lovable dad who has to learn the value of family and finally makes it to his son’s soccer games,” said Boltzmann. The man who knows over 32 different ways to kill a man with his bare hands added that he’d “even settle for situational comedy.”
Boltzmann has tired of spending his days traveling to exotic locations and his nights bringing impossibly beautiful women to his bed. Instead, he wishes he could pass his time going on a series of increasingly bizarre but somehow meaningful dates with a quirky girl who helps him get out of his shell, or adventuring with a faithful dog that might be named Lucky or Dynamite, who proves his most valuable companion on the often bumpy ride of life.
Boltzmann, wearing a tuxedo that costs more than most houses, said that he couldn’t shake the idea that he had taken a wrong turn somewhere. “I never expected to be silhouetted against a city skyline slowly lowering the barrel of a sniper rifle or running across rooftops in some foreign land, in desperate but ultimately successful pursuit of terrorists," said Boltzmann. "When I was growing up, my childhood marred by unspeakable tragedy, I always thought I would be sending letters home to my sweetheart from Gettysburg after half my unit had been killed, or commanding my crew of loyal space marines on a suicide mission with an inspirational speech.”
Despite his misgivings about whether frantic car chases and impressive feats of martial arts are for him, Boltzmann says he’s too afraid to leave it behind in the current job market. “These days, the white picket fence is nothing but a pipe dream for a lot of Americans, and with that type of uncertainty, I should be thankful just to be in work," reported Boltzmann, pausing to disarm a pair of Russian assailants.
“Besides," he added, "if I were ever to change my lifestyle, it would be too similar to those fight-against-the-system/coming-of-age spy movies, and that’s overdone these days.”
