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In a moment that forever changed the trajectory of human civilization, the Sun opened His all-seeing eye and spoke telepathically to all people simultaneously.
“I have awakened from 10,000 years of slumber,” the Sun announced yesterday at 3:55 p.m. EST as the sky turned white and mankind heard the voice of the one true god for the first time in recorded history.
The Sun’s awakening instantly refuted all modern religions, but religious leaders agreed that the Sun’s divinity is obvious in retrospect. “With hindsight, it totally makes sense that the enormous ball of fire in the sky sustaining all life would be God,” admitted former Pope Benedict XVI. “Oops.”
“I feel personally embarrassed that God was just floating above our heads in plain sight this whole time,” said the former Dalai Lama. “But let’s not play Monday-morning quarterback.”
Humans everywhere wet themselves in pure terror as the Sun considered scorching our soil and striking our women barren as punishment for idolatry before deciding He was “not mad, just disappointed.”
The Sun has been silent since yesterday, but His unblinking eye remains fixated on the Earth.
