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The Brown Noser

Supreme Court Excited to Finally Have Even Teams for Flag Football Championship

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

Still not provided with a replacement to the late justice Antonin Scalia, the Supreme Court of the United States admitted that they are very excited to have even teams for their upcoming flag football game.

The death of Justice Scalia, described by fellow justices as a statesmen, a friend, and a “filthy” wide receiver, provides SCOTUS with even teams for the first time since 2005, when Justice Clarence Thomas was unable to play due to an ankle injury he acquired a month prior during the SCOTUS Summer Surf Trip.

“Antonin was my deep personal friend and easily one of the best all-around players since O’Connor,” said Chief Justice John G. Roberts. “His death saddened all of us, but it will be nice to finally have a four-v-four championship with no subs.”

“While we appreciate the benefit of having nine justices, I never want to sub out for the championship again,” admitted Justice Elena Kagan, who had to sit out as a substitute for half of last year’s game due to the five and four distribution of the nine. “I also heard from friends on the D.C. circuit that Merrick Garland can’t catch for shit, so we’re not exactly mad at Congress right now.”
Justices Breyer, Ginsburg, Roberts, and Kennedy will line up against Alito, Thomas, Sotomayor, and Kagan, who played with Scalia last year. Scalia’s number 32 jersey will be retired before the game.

“I swear to God we’re going to mercy rule those clowns,” said Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, returning to the court after spending an afternoon recess running plays with Justices Roberts and Breyer. “Scalia was half their team. You think Clarence Thomas is gonna catch a 60 yard toss-up with Sonia blocking him? Hell no.”

When reached for comment, Justice Alito explained that, despite the the annual game, he is most excited to go to the bar with his colleagues after, where they can “kick back and get a little messed up” before another week of working in the court.

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