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A campus-wide survey conducted by Art Bandos ’15 is investigating, for entirely scientific purposes, the student body’s phone numbers, schedules and desire to “chill back” with him.
The survey is being conducted as part of a class and is not weird at all. A statistics class? That sounds right. “I’m really only doing this because I have to,” explained Bandos, who could not stop fiddling with his hands. “I’d much rather be doing my thing, you know, ‘hanging down.’ With the guys.”
While the large majority of collected data were quantitative measurements, such as shirt size, Bandos also looked into more qualitative variables, such as which color of “Art Bandos Is My Friend, Seriously” t-shirt respondents would prefer.
“Nothing wrong with a little social science research,” said Bandos, laughing nervously.
He then excused himself to take an urgent call. “What’s that, Jessica? It’s not a party without me? Even though lots of other cool people are there, too?” he said loudly into his phone. “I wish I could, but I’m busy with this survey. I guess it’s true – my commitment to having fun, posing for Facebook photo albums and making memories I can one day wax nostalgic about is exceeded only by my commitment to science.”
As is standard protocol for any completely legitimate research project, Bandos took great care to assemble a random sample. To this end, he planned to station himself in J. Walter Wilson and approach every tenth person who walked by. Unfortunately, Bandos encountered some experimental error — “like you learn about in science class,” he clarified — as the tenth person appeared to be “some sort of person who probably lifts weights.” Bandos quickly modified his procedure to interviewing anyone whom he could muster the courage to talk to.
After compiling all of his data into an Excel spreadsheet, something that plenty of real and not creepy researchers do, Bandos discovered a small group of students who share his interests, are free at the same times and expressed an interest in “rolling smooth” with him. Unfortunately, since the surveys were anonymous, Bandos will likely remain alone and friendless.
Bandos plans to publish his findings in his journal.
