Partly Cloudy, 64°
Sources report that while to the untrained eye, Orson Hwang ’29 might seem like anyone else, upon closer inspection, he is just a little portlier, more moist, and virtually immortal.
“I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember,” said Orson from inside a large pot of boiling water. “I was always the kid who would wear shorts in the wintertime and play in abandoned nuclear meltdown sites. My mom used to freak out about it. Asian parents, am I right?”
“My friends made a bet that the first one to kill me gets $100,” said Orson, sopping wet and eating moss. “Kyle ran me over in his 2024 Jeep Wrangler, Nadia froze me in a giant block of ice, and Casey shot me eight times. And I don’t think Casey even knew about the bet. It’s really a whole lot of fun.”
At press time, Hwang shed his cuticle layer, creating an identical molt.
