Partly Cloudy, 64°
Reports indicate that a local fortune teller is struggling to find a mystical way to convey how fucked the tarot cards say you are.
“Ohhhh, yes, you’ve drawn the Hanged Man, a most intriguing and definitely not negative card of the Major Arcana,” muttered tarot reader Madame Claudine, sneaking glances beneath the table to her phone, where she had Googled “is there positive meaning for hanged man tarot.” “The spirits are telling me you’ll have a teensy bit of a rough patch, but don’t worry, the next card will likely offer a beautiful redemption…”
“Let’s draw the next card now… I see, it’s the card of Death…” began Madame Claudine, preparing to flat out lie so she doesn’t have to tell you that your life is so over. “The skeleton depicted here references a deep introspection, a knowledge of yourself and all of your innermost intricacies which will blossom over the coming months. Don’t fear, the universe has special plans laid out for you.”
“And for your final card… The Tower! What a complex sign laden with psychic meanings of all varieties, both favorable and slightly less favorable,” whispered Madame Claudine in a spooky tone, hoping you don’t realize that the Tower means everything is going to fall apart and you are ultimately so fucked. “Life might bring some unexpected developments your way, but remember that the cosmos will continue to cradle you through every new experience.”
At press time, the spirit in the Ouija board was trying to find a polite way to tell you to shut the fuck up and let them sleep.
