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The Brown Noser

Tech-Savvy Grandma Playing Dumb Just To Mess With Her Family

Published Friday, April 21st, 2017

Telling sources she is only playing the fool around her unwitting family, area grandma Sarah-Ann Hazelton is reportedly proficient in all things having to do with technology.

Reports show that Hazelton pretends to be unable to log on to her desktop computer and insists on calling the Internet “the dot-com,” much to her own amusement. “My family doesn’t have a clue,” Hazelton said, unplugging her computer for the third time today. “You should see the looks on their faces when I pull this one.”

The tactic has worked wonders for Hazelton’s relationship with her grandson Matt, who comes over every Sunday to play MarioKart with her as a bonding activity. “It’s cute,” confided Hazelton, who has reportedly prestiged twice in Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare. “But I hope he grows out of MarioKart. That shit is small potatoes.”

“I feel bad. She can’t even send a text. I guess it’s tough to teach an old dog new tricks,” said Hazelton’s daughter, Jen, as her mother Torrented the entire Adobe Creative Suite in the next room.

Hazelton tells sources she particularly enjoys forcing her son-in-law Joseph to add phone numbers to her contact list, claiming it’s “a whole boondoggle” if she tries to do it herself. “He doesn’t even use voice-to-text,” Hazelton said, shaking her head. “Poor dear.”

At press time, Hazelton was writing an all-caps email to her granddaughter Heather and laughing.

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