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The nation descended into panic yesterday after Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson grimly announced that terrorists have developed their most frightening story yet.
“According to our intelligence, Al Qaeda in Yemen has finally developed a very very scary story,” said Johnson. “Such a story could terrify everyone in Manhattan in under a minute.” He announced that the terror threat level had been increased to Red, with Transportation Security Administration officials on the watch for strangers armed with tall tales.
“We believe that they had help from Iranian storytellers,” continued Johnson. “This despite Iran’s denials that they were developing a scary story of their own.” Observers pointed out that, ironically, it was the United States who originally told the scary story to the Shah in the 1970s to help him keep his people in line.
Citizens across the country took cover from the terrorist threat. “Any day, some Arab could show up at my son’s school and really freak him out,” said Seattle mother Jane Maxwell as she stocked up on dried goods and emergency earplugs. “That’s every parent’s worst fear.”
Some, however, were skeptical. “I’ll bet it’s not even that scary,” said New York lawyer Justin Goldblatt. “I’ll bet it’s not even as scary as that story our government told us way back when. What was that story? Oh yeah: 9/11.”
As of press time, the nation was relieved to hear that it turned out the story was just a gritty reboot of “An American Werewolf in London.”
