Tesla Autopilot engineers have been forced to weigh the moral quandary of whether to save 2 elderly men, 2 infants, and 4 dogs or 1 elderly man, 3 infants, and 6 dogs.
“This is one of those classic trolley problems,” sighed James Higgins, lead software engineer in Tesla’s self-driving car division. “Nobody wants to have to bear the burden of such a tough decision. But in the unfortunate event where loss of life is inevitable, we have to choose if we should keep the car going straight, sacrificing the 2 elderly men, 2 infants, and 4 dogs. On the other hand, we could swerve the car into the other lane, instead sacrificing the 1 elderly man, 3 infants, and 6 dogs. At the end of the day, there’s really no right answer here.”
“You know, this is the kind of ethical dilemma that keeps me up at night,” continued Higgins with a tear streaming down his face. “Who are we to judge who gets to live between 2 elderly men, 2 infants, and 4 dogs or 1 elderly man, 3 infants, and 6 dogs? Nothing good will come out of these damned self-driving death traps if we try to play God. The instant mankind twists the hands of fate by making such a lofty judgment, our society is doomed.”
At press time, Tesla Autopilot engineers were debating whether the life of a Golden Retriever was any more valuable than that of a German Shepherd.

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