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High school sweethearts Joe Clarke and Madison Russell were married in a quaint ceremony among family and friends last Sunday. Though both were virgins upon marriage, those close to the Methodist couple say it’s probably safe to assume that, by this point, the two have probably engaged in sexual intercourse.
“Both Clarke and Russell approached the altar Sunday free of carnal knowledge and disgrace — unashamed in the piercing gaze of their creator” confirmed Pastor George Walter, who performed the ceremony. “Though I’m eager to know what they’ve been up to since being given the go-ahead.”
The Clarkes, who met at Bible school when both were fourth-graders, have been going steady since Joe asked Madison to prom during their junior year. Sources confirm that the relationship was premaritally unconsummated, both partners citing a desire to wait until marriage before mating on one another.
“Also, given that both Clarkes are in relatively good shape,” continued Walter, “the possibility of their bringing each other to multiple climaxes in the course of one night is fairly good. Provided, of course, that they have indeed actually had sex”
Though the two Clarkes refuse to comment, most deem it probably safe to suppose that the happily married spouses, both healthy and young, have proceeded in ritualistic intercourse — a tradition as old as recorded time.
“Oh—no,” former classmate James Short commented. “They certainly won’t say anything to anyone. But I’ll tell you this much: even the unspoken sexual energy between Joe and Madie confers entire nights spent in the arms of one another, neither husband nor wife sure where one’s flesh ends and the other begins.”
After the Clarke’s return from a honeymoon in Maine, the entire community cannot help but agree.
“The pleasure must be unlike any either has ever known or will ever know again, however awkward or clumsy the motions are likely to be — pale flesh slapping pale flesh over and over again,” Short added. “We’re all really proud to see these lovebirds finally take flight.”
