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While acquainting themselves with Brown campus and with their fellow classmates is proving to be a daunting task for most first-years, one freshman is quickly emerging as the one whom everyone is talking about: Keeney resident Berg.
Jake Berg '14.
"At first, Jake was rather.well, I guess 'inconspicuous' is the only word. Very inconspicuous," said fellow Keeney resident Katy Williams '14. "But once we all heard that sexy, soft, low Scottish accent of his, much like a cat's purr, well, he was out of the bag, so to speak." She added, "Plus, he totally took out that one DPS officer with a judo chop. That tends to draw attention."
The general consensus among the newly-arrived freshmen is that Berg is an "awesome dude, yo." Carol Stevens '14 described him as "very resourceful and quick on his feet." She elaborated: "My earring broke, so he shot a laser beam out his seemingly normal wristwatch to weld it back together. It was very cool." Stevens added, "Also, you should've seen the way he then unhooked my bra. Very impressive indeed, Mr. Berg."
Brian Silverstein '14 also had only positive things to say about the already well-known student. "That dude is the poop, yo, fo shizzle! He took me on a killer ride in his Aston Martin. Granted, he activated my ejector seat while we were under a low freeway crossing, but he said afterward that he was only joshing," Silverstein laughed. "The doctor says I might have partial use of my lower extremities in about six months."
Other students, however, think Berg's fame is "overrated." "Jake is kind of a douche," said Dan Van Nostrun '14. "He left a whole team of Russian assassins dead in the second floor kitchen, and he seduced my high school girlfriend. Plus, he knocked down the exit sign in the hallway. Now that's just not cool."
Berg's roommate, Ernst Blowfeld '14, goes so far as to express a "deep hatred for the man, a hatred which pierces the darkest, quietest depths of the soul." He continued, "He thinks he could steal my laundry detergent right out from under my nose without me noticing? Well, very clever, Mr. Berg! If I have to hunt you to the very ends of the earth, or to that smelly utilities closet in the basement, mark my words, I will have my revenge."
As he has already stirred such controversy among the freshman student body, many wonder from what origins the young Jake Berg hails. According to most reports, he is the son of the wealthy Lord Manfred Ignatius VI. However, when the Ignatius estate was reached for comment, they responded, "MI-6 disavows all knowledge of the actions and whereabouts of a Mister Jake Berg."
