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Dear Reader,
In these divisive times, we here at the Brown Daily Herald understand the importance of journalistic integrity. We are outraged by the state of mainstream media, which has eagerly kowtowed to the authority of oligarchs. We are perturbed by the way special interests have eroded impartial reporting. And we are shocked that nobody thought we might be interested in a similar offer.
The Brown Daily Herald takes pride in its ability to deliver high-quality journalism to our readers. But it doesn’t have to be that way! It is an insult that nary a single billionaire would consider us an effective vessel for spreading misinformation. After all, writers for the BDH have gone on to compromise their morals at top news outlets across the country. By selling out now, we would give our staff the opportunity to get a head start on the same corrupt practices they’ll need to get ahead once they leave the Van Wickle gates. It would be a win-win, really.
Of course, it’s not like we want the BDH to be bought out. That would be preposterous. We just want the same opportunities as our peers to buckle under the crushing weight of corporate greed. And there will be hell to pay if we find out that someone bought the Harvard Crimson before buying us.
But for now, it appears that the Brown Daily Herald will settle for being a beacon of hope for independent journalism amid an age of global uncertainty. We promise to uphold our solemn duty with honor, poise, and zero bitterness whatsoever.
