Partly Cloudy, 64°
As head of one of the largest and most powerful intelligence agencies in the world, I understand better than anyone the outrage people have expressed following revelations regarding our mass surveillance of American citizens. I totally get it. It sounds messed up! But the truth is—and I really, really didn’t want to have to reveal this—we’ve been collecting all this information for an amazing surprise birthday collage for the American people and you ruined it.
Great job. Hope you’re happy now.
All that snooping? Tapping phones, reading emails, arresting alleged terrorists without due process? The yottabytes of personal information, stock transactions, legal documents, diplomatic secrets, the whole thing? We just wanted this collage to be perfect. After all, it was for you guys—but no! Pardon me! All the sudden we’re Big Brother every time we plan something special.
To be honest, I was so excited to finish this thing before you spoiled it. We’d taken your baby pictures and juxtaposed them with current pictures of you so you could see how much you’ve grown. We found little bits of trivia about each of you and put them under the photos as captions. There was even a big clip-art birthday cake in the middle under which the words, “Be with you ’til the last one,” were written. This thing had it all.
Plus, there was gonna be a big party for the unveiling, and everyone was gonna be there. The fun would’ve been nonstop. Nonstop, over-the-top fun.
But you guys had to get all miffed. “Stop spying!” “You’re violating our right to privacy!” “This is unconstitutional and deeply unethical!” You don’t think we knew that? Of course we knew that! How else were we supposed to find out the coolest tidbits about each one of you so that this collage could be the sickest of all time? We wanted your data so we could give you the most thoughtful, personalized gift ever.
Bet you feel stupid now, huh?
I mean, gosh, if you’d seen the work we put into this thing you’d have lost it. And now it’s done. Kaput. We scrapped it. All that work for nothing. So bummed about this.
Look, I don’t mean to seem like I’m mad or anything. I’m not. But sometimes you’ve just got to trust us, okay? If it seems like we’re doing something sinister or panoptical or totalitarian, it’s because we’ve got a huge awesome surprise in the works. So don’t freak out! As NSA director, I’m the one who’s gonna have to spoil the fun if people freak out. And I shouldn’t say this, but we’re planning a new surprise. It’s gonna be amazing—and that’s all I’ll say!
So as we continue to listen to your phone calls, read your emails, and seize your personal information, remember that it’s for the coolest, most awesome and amazing surprise gift ever.
Try not to spoil it this time!
