Partly Cloudy, 64°
When I ride the subway I slouch in my seat and stretch my knees wide. I often take up two or three seats at a time, forcing women and the elderly to stand. Sound familiar? Yes, I am a “manspreader." Maybe this makes me inconsiderate, but I wouldn’t spread my legs if I didn’t need to. I don’t have a superiority complex—I have a horizontal penis.
Having a sideways penis prevents me from sitting with my thighs touching each other. If I tried closing my legs my penis would either snap in half or become infected from the chafing. I don’t want to be rude, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my penis for other people’s approval. No dirty look will ever convince me otherwise.
You may ask why I don’t just stand if sitting is such a problem. Well, would you be willing to stand from Brooklyn to Queens if you had testicles lodged in your thigh? Standing comfortably means placing my feet as far apart from each other as they can go. Understandably, I don’t want to worry about being asked to be more space-conscious in a crowded subway car. I’d much rather feel like an asshole than force my legs together ’til my testicles explode.
I “manspread” because I value my body, not because I think I deserve extra leg room. I may look selfish, but aren’t you actually the thoughtless one for assuming my penis is vertical? Try asking yourself whether a man has a horizontal penis before you judge him for spreading his legs on the subway.
Maybe you’ll be surprised by the answer.
