Don’t panic, everyone! It is imperative that nobody panic because not only will that be a nightmare for our comms department, but also nothing is wrong. I know that to the layman, all that smoke is scary and would seem to indicate that the generator at the heart of the power plant has been compromised, and it’s only a matter of time before ash will begin slowly raining down on you all, mixing with the moisture in the air and hardening firmer than concrete, burying everyone in a 200- mile radius, but that is by no means what is going to happen. The power plant is actually just fine, and all that smoke just means it’s working extra well. Sensationalists in Hollywood and at the EPA may have led you to believe that because the smoke stacks are furiously pumping out jet black fumes, that must mean that there’s been some sort of disaster. I guess if you consider the power plant working extra well and making even more power than usual a disaster, then we’ve got a code red, and you should lock us right up. Listen, the people of Doug, Illinois, are too smart to fall for the lurid fear mongering of Federal Statute 430673 Regarding the Maintenance and Upkeep of Hazardous Facilities. They aren’t going to be taken for a ride by people who deem a couple clouds of smog “a dire and immediate threat to residents requiring evacuation of the area and the decommission of the source facility,” when really all that smog just means that the power plant is fine, and actually it’s working extra well. People seem to have this knee-jerk negative reaction to seeing a fog of pitch black industrial exhaust creep towards them and surround them from all directions, but we implore you all to fight the urge to point fingers or assign blame, not only because it’s completely unconstructive and there’s no way to know whose fault what happened at the power plant was, but also because nothing is wrong, the power plant is fine, and all that exhaust just means it’s working extra well. We know you all still have many valid questions that deserve answers, and that’s why our board of directors will be returning to Doug to host a town hall Q and A on December 15th, 2053.

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