Partly Cloudy, 64°
I’ve been doing this show for a while. After many years and many potential fathers and children, you can kind of tell who’s gonna be the father and who isn’t. But it doesn’t take an expert to know that this kid ain’t yours. Anybody could’ve told you that, I’m surprised the doorman didn’t. This baby looks nothing like you, barely looks like his mom. Are you sure you two didn’t take the wrong kid from the hospital?
What? You still want a paternity test? You might want to get an eye test first. Seriously, get a grip. Take a look at his hair. Do you have curly hair? Does your wife have curly hair? No? Then where the hell did he get it from? And don’t give me that Punnett Square bullshit, it’s a dominant trait anyway. Unbelievable. This show is really going downhill if this is all we got for this week.
Y’know, usually you’re supposed to feel bad for the dads who find out their kid isn’t theirs, or the kid because they didn’t ask for this craziness. But I’m just kind of annoyed that you couldn’t figure this one out yourself. And I’m really mad that we had to pay you for the privilege of dealing with this crap. As for the kid, I mean hang me if I’m wrong but he lucked out! This kid dodged a bullet in terms of the intelligence he’s inheriting, and maybe the looks too.
Oh, would you look at that. Paternity test’s done, that was fast. Alright, let’s see what it says… Hey! Who would’ve thought. You’re not the father, pal. Believe me now? Great. Now get the fuck off my show.
