Partly Cloudy, 64°
Man oh man, I’ve really gone and done it now. I screwed the pooch big time on this one! But I didn’t actually screw the pooch; I ate it!
And the pooch was my roommates!!
This is the kind of thing you always read about happening to other people, you know? It’s always some other guy who becomes so very hungry, and whose nearest convenience store is so very many minutes away, that he is driven to permanently alienate his roommates by killing them and then eating their bodies.
Check, please!
Yeah, you always think it’s going to be someone else. But I guess we’re all “someone else” to someone else. Actually, that’s pretty deep. I should write that down. Hey, Kevin, can I borrow that pen of yours I love so very … Kevin? Anyone seen Kevin? Oh. That’s right. This is awkward.
Open mouth, insert foot! Not literally! Also literally!!
Sorry, guys. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know it’s a hassle for everyone, but what can you do? Bowing to the inevitable never hurt anybody, especially when you slip heavy anaesthetics into their evening coffee. This makes it physically impossible for bowing to the inevitable to hurt anybody, no matter how many times (one) you eat them during the night!
I mean, I’ve heard of the local food movement, but this is ridiculous!!
But no, hey, look, I understand why you guys, my remaining roommates, are maybe a little upset with me. After all, I haven’t been exactly been the model roommate, have I? I can be kinda self centered! Like, remember that time when Melanie came to me when she was having all that trouble with her ex but I did not really care and so I pretended to have gone permanently deaf and then two weeks later I ate her, along with her ex? Remember that time?
You know what they say: Two heads are better than one!!!
Huh. Okay. I feel like I’m not really getting through to you guys. Like, Randy, you still look kinda … kinda pissed at me. Listen, Randy, I know you were fond of Melanie. I get that and … Wow, it’s really hard to focus on this conversation, Randy, what with how juicy your calves are looking today. Whoa, hey, whoa, just calm down, Randy. Don’t wear the shorts if you don’t want me to— who you— who you calling there, Randy? Normally you have to dial more than just three numbers. Are you going to put in the other seven numbers now? Randy?
Okay, this is getting out of control here. Listen, I’m not a bad guy. Yeah, I’m not perfect! I’ve got flaws! Sometimes I smell really weird in the mornings! I get that! But listen. That’s only because once a week, every week, I’ve been sneaking into one of your rooms late at night, slipping heavy anaesthetics into your evening coffee, and I’ve been eating you. And I plan to do this to every single one of you, and there’s something about the protein found in human tissue that makes my breath just smell awful.
And if that’s illegal, well, lock me up.
