Proudly closing his composition book, local third grader Spencer Maynard reportedly considered himself really fucking unique for ending his preposterous narrative with the phrase “And then I woke up from my dream.” “I bet no one’s ever thought of this one before,” boasted the eight-year-old, whose fantastic tale of defeating dragons and getting eaten by an ogre was concluded with an ending he thought so goddamn novel he decided he would put “author” as his dream job on his student-of-the-month poster. “I’ll probably even get a star sticker for this. Mrs. Daniels will be so amazed! She probably never ever in her whole entire life saw anything like this!” At press time, Spencer had begun his next story with “It was a dark and stormy night.”

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