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According to a recent law passed on Capitol Hill, starting next year the third Tuesday in February will be renamed “Other Presidents’ Day.” “Presidents’ Day doesn’t do justice to the scores of men who labored as Leader of the Free World, but don’t happen to have the last name ‘Washington’ or ‘Lincoln,’” said Sen. Kirk Bond (R-WY). “Just because William Henry Harrison died 32 days into his term and accomplished nothing of consequence doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t still be commemorated with a holiday.”
“Rutherford B. Hayes was indeed a president,” noted historian Jeff Yates. “People tend to forget that. With this new holiday, we can make sure to commemorate all of our former leaders, even the ones that are completely forgettable.”
The White House issued a statement saying, “We in no way want to lessen the importance of the original Presidents’ Day. We just want to acknowledge the other presidents and the things they did. They may not have birthed a nation or emancipated the slaves, but according to our tenth-grade history textbooks, they did stuff, too.”
Sentiment against what have been commonly called the “Poster-Boy Presidents” has been increasing over the past half century, culminating in this new piece of legislation. Recent attempts to add the rest of the presidents to Mount Rushmore were met with opposition, as was the petition to change the faces on U.S. currency. “I’m sick of constantly seeing the same faces on all of my bills and coins,” griped Nolan Durand. “At least give a nod to Martin Van Buren or John Quincy Adams. Hamilton and Franklin weren’t even presidents and they’re on bills! Where do they get off?”
“All you hear about is ‘FDR this, FDR that,’” commented Zachary Taylor VI, descendant of former President Zachary Taylor. “My ancestor may have died sixteen months after taking office, but at least he could walk. ZT has just as much of a right to immortality as FDR. Besides his blatant mortality.”
Only time will tell whether the holiday will catch on with the American public. When asked to comment, Sidney Cromwell ‘15 simply said, “Isn’t James Garfield that stupid comic about the cat?”
