Partly Cloudy, 64°
Sad, isn’t it? That beautiful building burning to the ground. And all those poor folks, standing in the cold night air after losing their homes in that dastardly fire. What a shame. See the grim look on their faces? That’s the look of someone who wishes they could have done something; the look of an emasculated man wanting to protect his family from crazy happenstances such as this.
You know what isn’t sad? Prevention. Well, what could have prevented this catastrophe, you might ask. Lucky for you I have the answer: good, old-fashioned chalkboards.
Chalkboards? Yes, chalkboards! Sturdy, life-saving chalkboards. These miraculous creations are truly a godsend. Why, no amount of haphazardly flung kerosene or inadvertently lit matches could destroy these babies. Yes siree, these chalkboards are a bona fide life-saving, miracle-making creation from the big one Himself.
Do you want to see your family burned alive in a fiery pit of destruction? A little kerosene and your pathetic wooden house would flame right up! Do you hate your family? If you do, then by all means keep your flammable walls. Brick can burn too, if you set it up correctly. It only takes a matter of seconds—2.7 by my count—to throw a Molotov cocktail through your window and blow your house to smithereens.
Chalkboards, on the other hand, are 75% flame retardant—and educational! Did you know chalkboards prevent 34% of fires from causing property damage every year? That number bumps up to 93% in this neighborhood alone! Worried you’ll forget these facts? Try writing them on a chalkboard, and try lighting the chalkboard on fire. It’s my personal guarantee that you respectively can and can’t.
Yes sir, with a Grade-A chalkboard, you can basically guarantee that no fire will ever harm you or your family ever again. But why stop there? For an extra premium, you can purchase Ed Vittles’s limited edition fire insurance, to protect your assets from coming ablaze. You know how random these fires can be, right?
Remember that fire last week? A twelve story orphanage turned to a pile of ashes in a matter of minutes. And all those poor, unfortunate children with no place to go. That could be your kids. I can guarantee you that your house will smolder as much as that building did without my life-saving chalkboards, assuming your house sets on fire. When will people learn that traditional house-building materials are no match for a can of kerosene and a lighter?
But you can’t just buy any old chalkboards; only Ed Vittles’s is a guaranteed safeguard against the flames of a hungry fire. Why, just the other day my old pal Charlie, owner and operator of Charlie’s Chalkboards, lost his entire establishment in a roaring inferno. His brittle walls—and chalkboards—were burnt to a crisp. It was truly heartbreaking.
Don’t let this happen to your family. You want to stay protected, don’t you? By golly, a smart person, such as yourself would definitely see that Ed Vittles’s chalkboards are the solution to such a problem as this. Your family can be spared from the atrocity of a blazing abode with the purchase of Ed Vittles’ Chalkboard Walls ®, the most educational way to save your family from a fire since 2012.
