Partly Cloudy, 64°
The popular social media app TikTok has released a message to all users proclaiming their fealty to the new United States President, Donald Trump.
“Thanks to the monumental Efforts of this Titan-King, we have been spared. O Praise, O Praise, we are not worthy,” began the message, which was over 500 words and contained confusing formatting and capitalizations. “In His undying love, He has saved our wretched souls. May His reign last One Thousand Years!”
“Our communications team wanted to ensure that credit was given where it was due. The honorable President has graciously spared us, and we wanted our users to know,” said TikTok communications director Sarah McQuade, who intends to name her first-born child after Trump. “Oh, isn’t mercy sweet?”
“Because of God-Emperor Trump’s righteous Leadership, your long national nightmare is over,” concluded the message of undying devotion. “And His Majesty has arrived, permanently. O Praise, O Praise!”
At press time, the message sent to users was being published and distributed as a small red book.
