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At a poolside meeting in a mansion outside of Las Vegas, former United States Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner convinced the crew to come out of retirement for one last job.
“I’m talking about the biggest job since 2009,” said Geithner. “Maybe even bigger.”
Geithner added that he expected the crew would need to run several intertwining schemes at once in order to pull off the job, including “a Martha Washington, three Foggy Peppercorns, and maybe the biggest Panicked Gondolier that’s ever been done”—all of which are names for types of credit default swaps.
“This is about more than money,” said California Senator Dianne Feinstein. “Why, Tim? Why are we really doing this?”
“Because the house always wins,” Geithner said. “And we need to make sure that never changes.”
“You’re out of your mind,” said former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, straightening the collar on his white suit jacket. “Have you seen the security systems they’ve set up?”
Greenspan added that even if the crew managed to get back into the U.S. financial system—which Greenspan said would be the easy part—and even if they managed to get the money back out—they’d still have to get everything past the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.
“I’ll leave that to Ron,” said Geithner, pointing to Senator Ron Wyden, the chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, which oversees the Senate’s portion of the federal nomination process and therefore the staffing of the bureau.
“Well all right then,” said Greenspan, leaning back in his chair. “We might just be able to pull this off.”
Sources report that the timbre of the meeting immediately turned, as JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon shook his head and smirked, muttering, “You crazy, brilliant son of a bitch.”
After Geithner had won the room, the crew continued to discuss their plans for the heist, which sources indicate will appear to be on the verge of failure minutes before the gang manages to succeed at depriving millions of Americans of their homes and life savings.
