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The Brown Noser

To Be Honest, I Don’t Know What’s In Your Child, And I Don’t Feel Comfortable Exposing My Needle To That by Dr. Todd Fleming, Anti-Vaxxer

Published Friday, May 12th, 2023

Hi everyone, I know that the vaccine debate has divided our country for decades, and the outbreak of Covid-19 has only amplified that split. As a doctor, I would like to share my professional opinion: To be honest, I don’t know what’s in your child, and I don’t feel comfortable exposing my needles to that, so I am an anti-vaxxer.

I know what you’re thinking: I don’t care about my needles. I hate when people say this, and this disturbing accusation could not be further from the truth. My top priorities will always be the health and happiness of my needles, and that’s exactly why I won’t stick them into your children to administer a vaccine.

Although mothers say that their children are composed of blood, muscle, and bone, I cannot trust them. How can I know what’s really in the bodies of your children? More importantly, how am I supposed to trust that the contents of your child won’t harm my needles? The bodies of children are very mysterious, and I do not want to subject my needles to harmful substances.

A friend of mine once had his needle administer a vaccine to a toddler, and then his needle became rusty. The needle rusting was absolutely the result of entering a dangerous child body. There is absolutely no other reason why that needle became rusty, such as the fact that sometimes needles just become rusty.

Furthermore, as an American, I have rights, and so do my needles. If I do not want my needles to administer life-changing, health-benefiting, scientist-supported vaccines to your children, then my needles do not have to administer life-changing, health-benefiting, scientist-supported vaccines to your children.

Again, the health and happiness of my needles are my top priorities. I have pursued alternative homeopathic approaches with my needles, and I’ve achieved the same benefits that are allegedly accomplished by administering vaccines to your grimy kids. For example, I have inserted my needles into home-grown oranges, which are undoubtedly purer than the American youth, and my needles have never become rusty. Except for that one time. And that other time. And those three times before that time.

In conclusion, I simply cannot condone the administration of vaccines. My needles must never be inserted into the body of a child. It’s simply not safe, and I hope that you can respect my decision. Please, just stay out of my business, stay out of my life, stay out of my needle-keeping, and, most importantly, let my needles stay out of your kids.

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