Partly Cloudy, 64°
Winking at the prospective students and their accompanying family members, tour guide Keegan Todd ’18 clearly wants to fuck all 19 members of his tour group.
“If you shift your beautiful gaze past those gates, you’ll see the Rockefeller Library, or as we like to call it the Rock,” said Todd, flashing a boyish smile and prolonging eye contact with everyone in his tour group. “In my opinion it’s the best library on campus. There are a lot of nooks to sneak off to for a quick study break if you know what I mean.”
“I kid, I kid, ladies and gentlemen,” Todd added, biting his lip and craning his neck to check out the tall dad in the back.
“It rains a lot here in Providence,” said Todd, reminding everyone to be careful crossing the street and to write down his cell phone number. “Luckily it’s not raining today, or we’d all be dripping wet and have to huddle for warmth and go find shelter. Also Thayer Street turns into a river, haha.”
Injecting sexual overtones into all parts of the two-and-a-half hour tour, Todd reportedly spent almost 15 minutes outside the Ratty describing how comfortable his dorm bed is and even took off his shirt at one point to dab the beads of sweat off his forehead.
“In response to your question, which was a very sexy question I might add, I chose Brown for the open curriculum,” said Todd, subtly flexing his pectoral muscles and thinking about fucking his tour group. “I really love this school.”
Sources confirm that, in addition to his regular route, Todd led the tour group to Prospect Park for a romantic view of the skyline and then to Steinert so he could show them a song he wrote on guitar. “It’s so embarrassing. I don’t usually play music for people. I guess I just feel really close to you all,” said Todd, strumming a G chord really slowly.
“Every year, there’s a music festival here on the main green called Spring Weekend,” said Todd, undressing a Nebraskan family of four in his mind. “It’s basically a two-day dance party. You should all come back this April, we’ll get our freak and shriek on, haha.”
At press time, Todd brought the tour group back to his dorm room and surprised everyone with a candlelit spaghetti dinner date complete with one free Keegan Todd back massage each.
