Partly Cloudy, 64°
In an effort to ease concern over frozen government benefits, President Trump announced today that all SNAP funding will be awarded to one lucky American.
“While the DIRTY Democrats continue to shut down our beautiful, completely functional government, I intend to make sure all of the funding will be distributed FULLY AND EFFICIENTLY,” read the Commander-in-Chief’s post on Truth Social, which also included news that the United States would be levying a 200% tariff on somewhere called Chima. “SLEEPY JOE started this Affordability Crisis, and I intend to END it for exactly ONE True American Patriot!”
“The rules are simple, VERY SIMPLE: Every American will be AUTOMATICALLY entered into the lottery, REGARDLESS of SNAP eligibility,” the post explained, rambling incoherently about how Democrats would rather feed millions of poor people instead of making one man’s dreams come true. “We will then choose ONE WINNER and have their patriotism assessed by the UNBIASED and TOTALLY ACCURATE Heritage Foundation. Once his citizenship, political affiliation, and racial purity have been confirmed, that LUCKY AMERICAN (aren’t we all lucky to be Americans?) will RECEIVE his PRIZE. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
At press time, the Executive Office announced that the winner of the SNAP funding was none other than Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud.
