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Smiling from ear to ear while eagerly listing all the things he’s looking forward to in college, Fox News host Tucker Carlson retracted the bitter remarks he made in a televised segment slamming Brown last week after finally getting accepted to the University’s incoming freshman class.
“Brown University — you may have heard of it — is a beautiful Ivy League college in Rhode Island where I’ll be spending the next four years!” Carlson proudly announced during his nightly news broadcast, walking back the angry rant about Brown he delivered last week during a fit of rage over his long string of rejected applications to the University. “I’m so excited to meet all the children of Democratic politicians and amazing activist performers who go to Brown! I even heard Danny Devito and John Kerry’s kids went there, isn’t that cool? My stepmom is a wealthy heiress too, so I feel like I’ll really fit in.”
In an about-face from his previous harsh critique of the University, Carlson explained that he’s always been really drawn to the chill atmosphere at Brown, where most students study filmmaking but there’s no pressure to actually make films or anything else.
“Brown doesn’t stress students out by giving formal grades or teaching anything, which I love,” Carlson continued, reversing his catty remarks about Brown from a few days earlier as he gleefully showed off his acceptance letter and brand new Brown merch. “I was really sold when I got to sit in on these super cool classes called ‘Girl Power Through the Ages’ and ‘Queer Dance.’ I’ve been dying to study the intersections of dance studies and queer studies forever, and now I’ll finally get to!”
Carlson went on to emphasize how inspired he was by Brown students’ recent vote to approve reparations for the descendants of enslaved people connected to the University, marking a 180 degree turn from his earlier denunciation of the school that has coldly rejected his applications year after year.
“I just can’t wait to join the caravan of subarus on Thayer Street moving into campus next fall,” Carlson added, cheerfully affixing Brown University stickers to all of his belongings as he distanced himself from the scathing criticism he leveled at the University just days ago. “I’m so looking forward to getting to know all the awesome people at Brown, like future inclusion officers, brilliant queer dance scholars, and talented film studies majors. What a great parade! Now I’ll finally get to drive back to my parents in Westchester with a bong between the seats, and it’s gonna be so sick.”
Already taking on the helm of an aspiring student activist, Carlson concluded his segment by calling on Brown to better support ambitious young Nigerians and the more than 1,000 Rhode Islanders who are homeless on any given night.
